Read by The Author: Pause
Hi, my name is Katie Groom. I am the author in residence for this time period with Cinnabar Moth Publishing. And I’m gonna be reading one of my short stories. This one’s called Pause. This was written around the time that Roe v. Wade was deemed not valid by the supreme court. And I really wrote this because I really believe that people should have a choice. Also, I believed that when you’re making decisions for a large group of people, you should really pause before you make that decision. When you have that kind of unchecked power that is unchecked in that situation. And also just a little bit about what I think happens to, you know, babies that don’t make it. Whether it is a choice or – it’s not an easy choice to make even if you are making that choice – but also if you have a miscarriage and things like that, I don’t believe that it just – nothing happens and you just move on. There’s always something heavy there that you have to move forward with.
That’s a little bit about this and that kind of story. If you have any questions, feel free to reach out to me via social media. I’m sure that my accounts are listed at the end of my story. But yeah, I feel that open conversation is an important thing that needs to happen. Anyways, I’ve already taken up a lot of your time. I’m going to be reading this from my phone as I don’t have a print out this time, and also my little dog Delta is behind me. Sometimes when I’m recording, she feels like she’s the star of the shoe. So I apologize if that happens. So, now I am going to read Pause.
Sitting in the grass next to the stream, her knees folded against her chest, Céline cried. She rocked as she sobbed.
She heard a buzzing next to her ear — a mosquito or fly; whatever — she swatted it away. When it returned, she swatted harder. A few minutes passed and the buzzing hadn’t returned, so Céline felt victorious for the first time in weeks.
Laying back in the grass, she wiped her cheeks and looked up at the clouds. While the usual bunny rabbit or teddy bear or t-rex chasing a butterfly would appear in the sky, on this day, there was nothing. The clouds were there, but Céline’s imagination just wasn’t.
“Great,” she grumbled to herself. “I can’t even imagine right. I am entirely useless.” Rolling to her side, Céline picked a yellow dandelion and started to remove the petals one by one. Even in her head, it wasn’t accompanied by the “he loves me; he loves me not” of her youth. She just felt the need to destroy something. Something weaker than her. She needed something that she could overpower, because she was exhausted with being the thing that everyone else controlled.
Reaching above her head, she found her backpack and pulled it closer to use it as a pillow. The laptop and science books contained within didn’t make as comfortable a headrest as even the flattened pillows on the 1960s couch her step-father refused to let go of. A family heirloom, he would claim.
Céline rolled her eyes at her own thoughts and then closed them. I just want to escape, she wished.
It was hopeless, though. She discussed it with her group of friends — trying to find a solution on how to manage this. Céline was beginning to think that she needed to find a new group of friends to hang out with, but withdrawing from the friends you’ve had since freshman year of high school wasn’t easy.
They all suggested that if things were so bad, she should just leave. One insinuated that they couldn’t be as bad as she was claiming because, at age 20, Céline could just go out on her own. The thing was, though, that of their group of four, Céline was the only one that had gone to college. Two of them married right out of high school, and the other was too busy working at the local hunting and fishing supply shop to find time to date.
Céline’s mother and stepfather threatened constantly to take the money for her tuition away if she left — if Céline didn’t follow their every rule. When Céline asked if she could stay on campus the following semester instead of driving — one hour each direction — every day, she was met with a fighting and yelling unlike anything she had ever encountered before. It didn’t even matter that her stepfather’s brother was there, just like almost every day of the week. They. Just. Kept. Yelling. At. Her.
Céline wanted to be on her own. She wanted to complete her education — find a job in a lab somewhere, and just move out on her own. Céline planned to work until she could save enough for her master’s. She had a five year plan — what 20 year old truly had one of those?
She just kept holding on to the fact that she had only one semester to go. She was thankful that she had gotten a little scholarship to the community college while in high school, giving her a head start on general credits that she would need, and she saved every penny of her part time job to pay for credits in the summer.
Only a few more months.
But what if in a few months, her secret was unable to be hidden? No one was going to believe her — she had tried to tell her mother dozens of times. Her mother reinforced Céline’s fears. Even if she continued to report that her stepfather’s brother was being inappropriate — that he had sexually assaulted her — no one would ever believe her. She even accused him right in front of his face, and he denied it. Céline was grounded for a month.
And now that Céline found herself pregnant, her evil step-uncle Rory would just deny, deny, deny, and he would probably claim that she was whoring around with her little friends on the weekends. He would allege that she probably didn’t know who the father of the child was anyways.
Céline knew exactly who it was. It didn’t matter.
She had once told her friends what was going on, and Nikki, while holding her newborn baby girl, asked what Céline had done to lead him on. Her friend Missy backed Nikki up, as she sat at the table flipping through her Bible in preparation for the next day’s Bible Study Group for young housewives. Jennifer pulled her hair back into a ponytail; said something about having to get to work; and walked out.
They would ostracize her and tattle to her parents if Céline told them that she was thinking of traveling to another state to safely terminate the pregnancy. Nikki had two children by the age of 20 and a third was on the way, and Missy was far too religious to even consider that this could be the best move for Céline. Jennifer was a wildcard, but with topics like this, she usually stuck with the group.
Céline had nowhere to turn. So, she turned within herself. She closed her eyes and started to meditate — clear her mind and see what other solutions would bubble their way to the surface.
A thought about her history homework came into her mind — she had only two more weeks to complete her term paper. Céline imagined a brown leaf curled into a boat shape on a stream. She pictured her thought getting on the little boat and then floating away. It went around a bend in the stream, and it was gone from her sight.
Céline concentrated on deep breaths. In for five seconds – a pause at the top – and out for five. She loved acknowledging the pause. For just a moment, there was nothing. “Pause” had become her mantra in life. She would pause before making any big decisions. She would pause before reacting. She would even pause before entering the house that she lived in. Pause.
A thought about the next day’s weather came to her. What would she wear to class? She acknowledged this thought and then put it on the little leaf boat and released it to the river. Céline realized that she didn’t know what was after the bend in the river. She never followed the boats; their purpose was to help clear her mind.
Back to her breathing. In. Pause. Out. Pause. In. Pause. Out. Pause. In. Pause. Out. Pause. In…
Céline’s eyes flickered open — it was much, much darker than when she had started her meditation. She surmised that she must have fallen asleep.
Rubbing her eyes and sitting up, Céline realized that she was no longer laying in the grass. She was in a bed! In a dark room! She screamed but quickly placed her hand over her mouth.
Pause, Céline. She felt around to see if she could find something better than the nearby candle to light her way. She needed to find an escape route.
She heard footsteps outside the door, and then a voice so beautiful that she could hear it sparkle. “Oh, I think she’s woken up.” A few small taps on the wooden door — that sounded like wind chimes — were followed by a welcoming, “Would it be all right if I came in?”
Céline thought for a moment, but realized that she wasn’t even tied up and she was still in her clothes — and that there was no sign of a struggle. Hesitating only slightly, Céline replied, “Yes.”
The door opened slowly, but not because it appeared overly heavy or jammed. It was the cautious, polite nature of the person on the other side. Light came through the door, and, rather than dust particles in the air, there were little specks of gold and silver.
A woman that appeared about Céline’s age stepped through the door. “Hello.”
Céline immediately noticed a several things about this woman. First of all, she had short, straight, green hair, cut in a pixie style. Secondly, she was wearing a mini-skirt made of flower petals and a crop top made of mismatched leaves. Thirdly, she was wearing an elaborate, ComicCon style fairy outfit that included pointy ears, and her large clear wings moved the gold and silver specks in the air each time they flapped. And, finally, this woman wore entirely too much glitter.
When Céline didn’t answer the woman’s greeting, the woman tried again. “Hello, my name is Tallulah. Welcome to the Mushroom Kingdom.”
Glancing back and forth, waiting for someone to jump out and exclaim, “Gotcha!”, Céline still remained silent.
Tallulah took a step closer. “I found you laying at the side of the Great River, and you were crying. I sprinkled you with some of my pixie dust and brought you here when you muttered that you wanted to escape.” She smiled softly. “What is your name?”
“Céline.”
Tallulah nodded politely. “Why do you want to escape your life, Céline?”
She paused. “Tallulah, no offense but I don’t know you very well. I don’t even know where I am…”
Tallulah giggled. “I told you, silly girl. You’re in the Mushroom Kingdom.”
Céline shook her head. “But I don’t know what that means or where that is.” She reinforced, “I don’t know who you are.”
“Let me show you.” She reached out her hand.
Céline didn’t take it, but instead folded her arms across her chest. She did, however, move towards the door. “Show me, but I also want you to tell me how you got me here.”
Tallulah nodded. “Well, like I said before, I used magic, Céline.” She giggled again, and it sounded like starlight.
Céline stepped out the door of the bedroom and found herself in a giant, hollowed out tree. A spiral staircase that seemingly went on forever appeared to be the only way to get around.
Her fear of heights had Céline pressed up against the wall, as far from the bannister that she could get. “Ummm…Tallulah, is there an elevator or something?”
Tallulah shook her head. “No, we don’t have someone who is an Elevator. However, that’s a great idea.” She pulled a tiny notebook out of the pocket of her tiny skirt and, with her tiny pen with a large pink puff of fake hair at the end, she wrote that idea down. “It’s always nice to have a fresh perspective from someone new. I will be sure to present the idea of an Elevator to the head of Pixie Resources. When a pixie is feeling down, it would be nice to have someone to lift their spirits.” She giggled as she put her notebook away.
“No, Tallulah. What I mean is, I don’t think I can walk all these stairs.” Céline still hadn’t moved from the wall.
Tallulah slowly and dramatically said, “Oh!” She put her hand to her mouth as if she was going to blow a kiss, and then, well, did. Céline was then covered with pixie dust. Tallulah jumped into the open air in the center of the tree. “Then we shall fly!”
Céline shook her head. “I can’t.”
Tallulah shook her head and made a tsk tsk sound. “Céline, you can. My pixie dust has given you a temporary set of wings. Just believe in yourself.”
Céline paused and thought it through. Since this was obviously some sort of dream, she decided to go for it. She stepped away from the wall and closed her eyes tightly as she jumped into the air.
She felt a gentle hand take hers and then she opened her eyes. She decided to look over her shoulder first to see her wings. Céline smiled widely as she saw her wings moving so quickly that she almost didn’t see them.
Then she made the mistake of looking down. She froze, and her wings froze, and she started to fall.
“Oh, dear!” Tallulah called out, holding more tightly onto Céline’s hand. “You have to believe in yourself. You must believe or it won’t work.”
Tallulah lowered the pair of them slowly to the ground, as Céline was mumbling, “It’s hard to believe in yourself when no one else believes you.”
The pixie frowned. “You really are in need of one of those Elevators.” She motioned to a doorway. “Something big is hurting your heart.”
Upon exiting the tree, Céline wondered what kind of fever dream this was. It was as if she had been shrunk to the size of an inch or so tall — blades of grass towered over her. Mushrooms were houses, and flowers were watchtowers.
Tallulah skipped a few steps ahead and then turned around. “What do you think?”
“It’s very magical.” She turned around in a circle, trying to take in everything. “Seems to be a wonderful place to get lost in.”
Tallulah stopped at one of the mushrooms that appeared to be similar to a food truck. “Two please.” As she handed one stick with some twisted honey on it to Céline, she asked, “Are you ready to maybe tell me why you want to escape your world? Maybe I can help you.”
Apprehensive, Céline paused again. But then she figured that since this was a dream, it could help to get things out. She decided to just spit it out in one long sentence. “My uncle has been assaulting me for years, and this last time that he did this, he got me pregnant; I don’t want to raise the baby from my attacker and my leaders, my parents, nor my friends are open to helping me.” She was shocked that she didn’t cry.
Tallulah stopped in her tracks. “This is unacceptable.” She shook her head. “We must go see one of the elders immediately.”
Céline shook her head. “What are they going to do? Once I wake up from this dream, nothing will have changed.”
“Dream?” She giggled again. “This is no dream. At the end of their training, each pixie is tasked to find a human and bring them here in hopes to convince them to join our world. I had decided long ago that I was going to choose someone that needed help, rather than just decide randomly or, as most pixies do, bring someone as a prank. You seemed like you needed our help.” She took Céline’s hand and lead her through the forest of grass to a tree that appeared to actually be three braided together. She explained that she didn’t feel it was in Céline’s best interest to fly, as she had no confidence, and also, her flight pixie dust was about to expire. “I was going to show you more of our kingdom before bringing you here. But I feel that I must seek the advice of the elders.”
Céline followed Tallulah through the spaces in the trunk of the tree. Before them were three thrones, all made of vines and leaves — similar but each with their own flair. The floor that they crossed to approach these thrones was the trunk of the tree, with each line showing the age of the tree — it felt like hundreds.
The elder in the center wore a gown of purple and blue flowers. She greeted them in a formal tone. “Tallulah of Ravenglen.” She nodded to Céline. “And friend.”
Tallulah knelt down, sitting on her knees, so Céline followed quickly. When Tallulah bowed her head, she stated, “Thank you for seeing us.”
“Is your friend ready to make a life with us?” The pixie on the right wore a pantsuit of tree bark.
Tallulah shook her head. “That is not why I brought her here.” She explained, “Céline is being mistreated in her world, and just bringing her here would not solve the problem — and it would leave others vulnerable.”
As Tallulah went on to explain the situation, Céline put her head in her hands and cried, trying to be as quiet about it as possible.
The third elder, wearing a dress made of a lily pad, stood up. “First of all, have you told her about the Changelings?” When Tallulah shook her head, the elder stepped down from the throne area and approached Céline. “We can take the responsibility for your baby and raise them as a pixie. You, however, will not be eligible to become a pixie because the laws surrounding Changelings require their parents to never see them again.”
Before Céline could ask, Tallulah jumped in. “Will we be able to take the baby before it is born?”
The elder replied, “Yes. We have the ability to do this.” She added towards Céline, “The alternative solution is that you live the life of a pixie but you must carry the baby to term and raise it.”
“What of my uncle? I…” Céline held back a sob. “I don’t want to go back to my world just to deal with this again.”
The three elders huddled together, whispering for a few minutes.
While they did that, Tallulah explained, “We pixies love to pull gentle pranks and things, so maybe they are deciding how we can scare him into good behavior.”
The Elder Pixies turned to Céline and Tallulah. The one in the treebark pantsuit said, “Céline, we normally do not get involved in the affairs of humans, but since no one in your world will help you, we will authorize Tallulah to act on our behalf.” She turned to Tallulah. “Remember to stay within your training. We do not physically harm the humans. You may stun, but you may not injure or kill.”
The one with the flower dress asked, “Céline, your decision?”
Céline didn’t pause. “Yes to all.”
The elder in the lily pad dress motioned for a rose petal and thorn to come to her. She used the thorn to write instructions on the petal. Handing them to Tallulah, she ordered, “Take her to the infirmary and they will perform the procedure.”
The pair of them began to walk out, but Tallulah turned around. “Others may need help feeling better — mentally — after going through this. Céline asked if we have someone in the Elevator role earlier. This may be something to consider, as I don’t think we have anyone dedicated to elevating others.”
Céline shook her head and smiled, as Tallulah turned around without waiting for a response from the elders.
As they made their way towards the infirmary, Céline asked, “Do you think this is going to hurt?”
Tallulah smiled. “They will use their magic to put you into la-la land, and then another will use their magic to teleport the fetus to a seed. They will support it and use pixie dust to nourish it, and your baby will grow to be a pixie. You won’t feel a thing, and the Changeling will have a magical life.” She added, proudly, “My mother was a Changeling.”
More at ease, Céline took Tallulah’s hand and squeezed it.
They arrived at the door of the infirmary. “We pixies may be ornery, but we do an awful lot of good too.” She handed Céline the rose petal. “I will wait for you right here.”
It took only a matter of minutes for Céline to be taken under pixie anesthesia, the procedure completed, and her to wake up — refreshed, nonetheless. She had felt nothing, but she knew that one piece of this puzzle had been completed.
Tallulah lead Céline to the edge of the Kingdom. “What’s the plan for dear, old Uncle Rory?”
Céline turned to Tallulah. “I just need your help acquiring an old fashioned handsaw and stunning him. I will do the rest.”
Tallulah frowned. “I can’t hurt him, Céline.”
Turning to her pixie friend, Céline explained, “I’m not asking you to hurt him. I’m going to do that part.”
The pixie contemplated this, and then nodded. “Fine. I agree to it. The Elders did say to help in whatever way you needed.”
They made their way to a hardware store, and Tallulah shrunk a handsaw to their size and carried it out to Céline. Then, they made their way to Rory’s home, where he was sitting in his recliner, drinking beer, and watching sports while his hand rested under the waistband of his sweatpants.
“Stun him and then make me my real size,” Céline requested. “Then we will have to hide the evidence.”
Tallulah snapped her fingers and some pixie dust showered over Céline. “Blood won’t stick to you, and the saw — I’ll dispose of that myself.”
They climbed in through a hole in a window screen, and then they enacted their plan.
Tallulah covered him in pixie dust, stunning him but leaving him awake. Rory tried to move, but the only thing he could do was stare at Céline as she appeared in front of him.
Céline smirked and held the saw up, pausing just long enough for him to take in that it was her that would be — proudly and painfully — ending his life.