Reading with Rasta: Being of Sound Mind and Body

Hello and welcome to Reading with Rasta. Today, we will be reading Being of Sound Mind and Body. A short story for our October 2023 Ezine on Cinnabar Moth Literary Collections. The author is Ashe Thurman, our author in residence for this quarter. Let’s begin.

Pulling up to Aunt Shelley’s old farmhouse carried a soft, sad feeling tinged with relief. She had refused to sell it, even when she got sick, and now it was mine after just a few short lines in a hastily drawn together will. I didn’t feel like I deserved a gift like this. Surely someone else would benefit more. But Shelley had trusted me with her most prized possession, and I couldn’t let her down. I would make this house a home again for her sake. I looked out through the front windshield toward where I vaguely remembered the neighbor’s house was. It wasn’t the same family from my childhood. The McCoys retiring to the coast a few years ago. It peeked at me through the trees. I knew it was ancient, like every other house along this stretch of dirt road, but not as old as the land it was on. That was a history that stretched back farther than I was properly capable of thinking about, at the moment. I thought I saw the trace of movement through the windows in the upper floor, but otherwise is seemed almost eerily still. I shook it off. Weird feelings. That’s all they were. The house inside was about what I had expected. Dusty. Quiet. Heavy. Trapped in that instant she had left for hospice care eight months previously. Everything seemed familiar, though, somehow for how long it had been. I moved out onto the back porch, finding the rocking chair that featured so heavily in my memory. It felt strange to be the one sitting in it now, looking out over the land instead of being the kid digging for worms for the garden. A figure appeared in the tall grass. A woman, sickly pale skin with top-of-the-shoulder length golden-brown hair. Overly thin. Features dipped and sallow. There was a loveliness to her, though, the way the sun kissed off her skin in bronze and gold. The way she stood in the tall grass with a sundress brushing against her knees, a gentle smile playing on her face, looking off wistfully into the distance as she idly took apart a cattail. I didn’t call out right away, wanting to watch her. She saw me first. Her face, paused in thought, looked at me, and I felt my heart turn over a few times. Then she was gone, jogging off through the grass until she disappeared just past the small ditch that separated the properties. I took in and let out a deep breath, slowing my heart down. I made a mental note to move meeting the neighbors up my priority list.

_______

Evening felt like it came a little quicker the next day following a morning and afternoon in and out of county offices signing paperwork. I found myself out on the porch again, actively hoping I’d see the woman. I didn’t. Instead, I saw a man. A man that was somehow just as gorgeous. The same pale skin and wide eyes. He tipped his flat cap up at me then slammed his hands into his jean jacket as he purposefully moved down and through the drainage ditch and across the expanse of grass. “Evenin’!” his voice called lightly over the acreage as he closed the gap faster than I would have expected. “Evenin’.” I met him as he stopped just short of the porch. “So we do have new neighbors. The rumors are true.” Then he smiled. I was going to die from a heart attack if this kept up. “Old-new neighbor. My aunt used to live here. I’m fixing it up.” The smile dropped from his face, and I hated that I’d made that happen. “I’m sorry about Shelley. Didn’t really know her, but she seemed nice.” “Yeah, I’m finding that she’s pretty popular.” I glanced down at my toes, then back up. “I take it you’re one of the Campbells? I got the name from the county clerk.” For an instant he flicked in surprise, then smiled again. He held out his hand for a shake, and I moved down the steps to take. His hand was bone thin and a little cold, but soft and firm in its grip. “Cooper. Nice to meet you.” “Ellie.” “Ellie,” he said softly, a lovely little lift to his voice. “I, uh, saw your sister, yesterday,” I ventured, trying to shake a little more information free. Cooper hesitated. “Right.” His smile got a little tight for just a moment before settling again. “I need to go back, for now. But…um…talk again?” “Yeah I’d like that.” We both nodded at each other, and I watched him head off across the field.

_______

I felt lighter the next morning. I had come here with a list of items that other family members had asked after, so going through boxes and drawers was a little bit of a scavenger hunt. Second cup of coffee in, I found a box of pictures organized down to the day, going back almost twenty years. None of them were of family, every photo and negative revealing a bevy of strangers. A little further digging revealed notes about events and goings on around town, the marks of a local historian. I had never known that about her. Someone here would want these.

_______

“Thank you for this, Ellie. I had no idea Shelley had so many extra pictures.” Lara , the local librarian, opened up the first box to go through it where we had stacked them in a back room. “Yeah, I figured they’d be good for archives or whatever.” “Absolutely.” Her fingers flew like lightning through the photos. One picture in particular caught her attention, and her face dropped slightly into sadness. “Oh dear. Look at little Frankie Campbell.” I started a second at the last name. “Frankie?” “Have you not met the Campbells, yet? You live next door.” “Yeah, just not a Frankie.” I moved over to look at the picture in her hand. “Hm. Not surprised. After the accident Martha’s awfully protective.” I gazed down at the picture, following Lara’s finger to a bright round face that, though a good ten years younger, was instantly recognizable. In the picture was a family of three. An older woman I assumed to be Martha and a husband that had yet to be mentioned. “Any other kids?” I had suddenly gotten an inkling of something looking at this picture of “Frankie.” “No. Only child. About your age, should be.” And a small theory fell into place that I was eager to test out that evening.

_______

She saw me first again, this time finding her sitting on the railing of the fence that connected the two properties. She didn’t run. It seemed like she was expecting me, lifting her hand in a little wave. “Hello, Ellie,” she said as I got closer, and now that I was looking for it, I could hear and see the exact thing I was looking for. I decided to go for it. “Hey…um…” then I realized that I didn’t actually know how to go forward. I shook my head. There probably wasn’t a perfect way. “Um…just right off the bat, if you prefer Cooper, you can tell me. That’s fine. I get it.” The air around us froze as we figured out what the next phase of the conversation needed to be. “Do you prefer me as Cooper?” Her voice was small. “No, not at all. Literally whatever name and pronouns you want me to use, just tell me, and I’ll do it.” “What if it’s…both?” “Both is good.” And I one-hundred percent meant it. Both was very very good. “What if I preferred…Taryn…when I was like this. And Cooper when I’m the other way? And no gender?” Their words rushed out like they were trying to race against their own brain. “Is ‘dude,’ okay, because that’s one of my gender neutral go-tos…” And a sob heaved up from Taryn’s chest, and they smiled through it. “Yeah, that’s fine.”

_______

Taryn’s head was soft against my shoulder as we sat on the back porch swing watching the sky change from blue to orange. Cooper had helped me put it up the day before. It had taken a minute to get used to not knowing who, exactly, was going to be walking up the lawn in the evening. For a short while, they seemed like two different people. As they grew more comfortable, that impression started to fade. But all of it was them, and it was lovely and sweet and kind and funny. Taryn lifted their head. “Shit, Mama’s gonna be home from her shift. I better go.” “Yeah. I get it.” That was the only real problem, so far. Taryn-Cooper couldn’t leave the house until she was gone. I just sort of sighed instead of raising a fuss, though. Nothing I could do about it, and everyone in their own time. “I’m going to get paint for the dining room tomorrow. Want me to save you a wall?” Taryn laughed as they moved to their feet. “I’ll see what I can do.” They paused at the edge of the porch. Then, suddenly, they leaned and pressed a quick kiss to the side of my temple. The first one ever. Then they were gone before I had a chance to react.

_______

I almost talked myself out of it about a dozen times walking up the front drive to the Campbell house with a plastic wrapped tray of cookies. It had been just a spark of a plan as I headed out the door to go to the hardware store. I had yet to properly introduce myself, after all. And I thought maybe…maybe if I could befriend Martha, some of that protection she had around Cooper-Taryn would release. A curtain twitched in the window, and the door opened to reveal a rather portly woman with graying hair pulled back in a messy ponytail. “You’re Shelley’s niece,” she said by way of greeting. “Wondered if you’d ever come by and say hello.” “Ah. Yeah. Sorry. Fixing up the house’s really taken up my time. And it looked like we didn’t have the same schedules. Saw the car coming and going.” “Hm,” Martha nodded. She didn’t give me the vibes I had expected from the way Taryn-Cooper always monitored her schedule. But then this was only about five seconds into our first conversation. I held out the tray of cookies. “I brought cookies for you and…your…kid.” Between dead-naming and outing, being awkward seemed the better route. Until I saw how wide Martha’s eyes got. “You don’t know about Frankie?” I gaped like a fish. Luckily, Martha talked over me before she realized I hadn’t answered. “Don’t worry about it. I guess you should probably know, though, if you’re going to be living here. Come on.” She gestured inside roughly, and I jumped in to catch up, confused. I followed her through the dark house, up the rickety stairs, down a hallway that seemed to go on forever. She opened a room at the end of the hall, and the mid-morning light dropped in on a soft, pastel room. Martha signaled I should go in first. I almost dropped the cookies, but caught myself, immediately setting the tray down on a nearby rolling cart while I still had the strength of mind to do so. In a bed in the middle of the room, was Cooper-Taryn, eyes shut, dressed in a clean white cotton gown. Their chest moved up and down slowly, machines attached to their body beeping in time with their breath. “Car accident,” Martha offered, moving in behind me. “Three years, now. Persistent vegetative state.” “I’m…I’m so sorry,” was all I could manage, staring into that big beautiful face. “It could be worse.” Martha moved up to them and patted Taryn-Cooper on their limp hand. I stepped forward myself, almost afraid to get too close. “Actually. Can I ask you something?” “S-sure?” “I used to have a nurse come in while I was at work, then I couldn’t afford it. Now I just have to leave Frankie alone. Seems to be doing okay, though. Color looks a little better even.” I gulped. Yeah, because they were helping me plant tomatoes just two days ago. “If I gave you a key, would you be willing to check in?” “Of course!” I said immediately. I hadn’t imagined it would go quite like this.

_______

I felt like a creep. Martha had given me a key mere hours ago, and here I was stalking her, waiting for her old pickup to rumble out of sight around the corner. I booked it across the lawn once I was certain it was safe. I tried to take the stairs two at a time, stumbled, then forced myself out of my panic so that I wouldn’t kill myself getting up the stairs. They were sitting on the edge of the bed as I burst in the room. “Ellie!” They gasped, staring at me. “Who are you, right now?” “What?” “Taryn or Cooper?” “I…haven’t decided, yet..but-.” “Your poor mother?! She still thinks you’re in a coma!” “Frankie is still in a coma.” Silence as I processed what they had just said. “Please. Come sit.” They patted the bed next to them, scooting over. I wanted to hesitate to show my objection, but my body moved on its own, settling down next to them on the hospice bed. “Frankie is…gone…mostly. Traces of emotion are still there. The essence of Frankie. Maybe what you’d call a soul? But no thoughts. No feelings. Not anymore.” “Who are you, if you’re not Frankie?” “We’re Taryn and Cooper. We…died here…a long time ago. So long ago that we lost our names until Frankie gave us these new ones.” “Frankie…gave them to you.” They nodded. “Frankie could sense us. We were…friends. That’s how we’re able to inhabit this body. What’s left of Frankie lets us in.” “Why not just…be in there all the time? Just live as Frankie?” “Too much energy. Right now, both of us are here because we haven’t figured out who’s the strongest today, yet. But…you like both, right?” They placed their hand on my knee, and I just managed to not flinch away. “Can you…can you give me minute to think about this? To try to…figure this all out.” They drew their hand away. “Yeah…I understand.”

_______

I started missing them after a day. After three it was unbearable. I watched as the truck drove away. I counted my breaths, trying to get up the courage to finally go across to see them. Then the clock kept ticking and I kept being a coward, knowing full well my window was closing. Then a phone call. It was Martha. “I’m so sorry for this, but they asked me if I could pull a double. And I really need the money-” “I can go check on…Frankie. It’s fine.” “Bless you, Ellie.” The silence after the phone click felt eternal. Then I finally headed out the door. I caught them coming to me as I neared the side yard, us both stopping in our tracks. I waved them into the house after me. “Taryn win today?” I asked, noting the loose blouse and hair. “No. It’s Cooper. Just felt a little…I don’t know. A little Taryn, today, I guess.” I gestured vaguely toward the living room furniture and sat on the couch myself. Cooper sat next to me, still keeping a distance. “You’re mom-Martha is working a double.” I couldn’t quite bear to look at them in one fell swoop, instead choosing to grab glances. “I know. She left a message on the answering machine because she thinks Frankie can hear it.” We sat in silence for a moment. Then I felt their hand come around mine where it laid on the cushion between us. “The things I feel. That we both feel. Those are real. They aren’t fake just because we don’t have a body of our own.” “But that’s the thing…it’s not your body.” I felt them scoot closer to me on the couch. They turned my chin to meet their gaze straight on. “Frankie’s never waking up. Frankie knows that. Knows that they’re fundamentally detached from this body, now. So I’ve been given permission to use it, instead, so it doesn’t go to waste. Taryn has been given permission to use it. You…have permission to use it…if you still want to.” I felt my breath catch in my throat. They had pulled so close to me, the light heat of their skin touching mine. I closed my eyes on instinct, then pressed my lips to theirs. And it was cold and sweet and I’d never tasted anything like it in the world of the living. I didn’t need to question this.

_______

“Shit. I need to go.” They rolled from the bed and dressed hurriedly, Taryn not even bothering to button their pants to have more time to lean down for an extra kiss. “I think you managed to convince Mom to go to that rodeo, so maybe see you in the morning?” “Okay. I’ll be around.” “Alright.” Another few quick kisses, then they stopped to cough into their arm. That had been new, but they insisted it was nothing. Just a bit of a reminder that despite all evidence to the contrary, it was still a human body that was capable of occasionally failing. Taryn paused at the door out of the bedroom, turning back. “Ellie…I…we love you.” “I love you, too.” I don’t think I had actually thought the words yet. I just…knew them. Knew them on instinct when I heard them first. They smiled, then slipped the rest of the way out of the room, out of sight.

_______

I saw the ambulance coming up the road, but managed to allow the paramedics up ahead of me along the narrow stairs. They ignored me for Taryn-Cooper-Frankie’s lifeless body. “What happened?” I gasped at Martha who was standing in a corner away from everything. Her face was soft. Resigned. “A turn for the worse. It was always possible. So now they keep the lungs pumping until they can get to the hospital then let nature take its course whatever that happens to be.” “Die? You’re just going to let-” “Fifty people,” Martha interjected. “That’s how many people the doctor said can benefit from organ and tissue donation from a single human body.” she sighed, collecting her thoughts. “Why let a body just sit here. It could save someone else’s life.” Someone is already using it, though. I felt the scream echo internally within my own head.

_______

“Ellie.” It was a voice but not a voice that crept into my brain as I lied in bed that night. I knew who it was immediately. “You could have told me. We could have caught it earlier. You didn’t have to-” I stopped before saying “die” as I remembered what they’re current state was, already. “We’re sorry, but…it was time. Frankie was ready to go.” The voice split into two for half a moment, before it all folded back in on itself into a single stream. “I see.” I stared at the ceiling. There were so many good memories in these walls to begin with, and I had made just that many more with Taryn-Cooper. I couldn’t just let that go. Not yet. I wasn’t ready. “What if you possessed me? Like you did with Frankie?” A pause in their voices as they thought. “It wouldn’t be like Frankie. You’re fully present.” “But you’d be there? I’d be able to feel you?” “Probably. But,” and I felt the voices turn sad, “that’s not a life for the living. We all knew an end would come some day.” I’m not sure when I started crying, but I felt the tears hot and sticky cling to my cheeks. “Maybe just tonight? To say goodbye.” Another small silence from the voice, then a breeze through my head like a sigh. The feeling of two sets of arms slid over me, wrapping around me tightly from within my own skin. The tears came harder, faster, breaking into sobs that I choked on immediately. “Shhhh. Shhh,” Taryn sighed into my ear. “The sadness won’t last forever.” “Death lasts a pretty damn long time, though,” Cooper smirked in the other ear. “And we have nothing to do but wait.” The words settled around my heart like a halo, lighting it up inside my chest. And I knew that promise of impermanence would have to carry me in the morning. And the next day. And the lifetime that came after. But, for now, I still had this night and this moment.