Reading with Rasta: The Love That Binds Us by Phoenix Blackwood
The Love That Binds Us by Phoenix Blackwood. Intro.
The term “broken family” implies that there was something whole to begin with. While mine might’ve appeared whole to the outside eye looking in, it was anything but. Sure, there was a mom and a dad, with two kids – the picturesque Christian American family. What they didn’t see was the shouting, the arguments about how my father was a “bad example” or failed to uphold his “godly” duties to the family. Even in the passing moments that weren’t arguments, there was a constant tension that could be cut with a knife. Passive-aggressive facial expressions, disapproval of how things were handled by the other party.
As the oldest of the two kids, all this tension fell directly on my shoulders. I loved my dad to death. He was always the one to console me when I was upset, bring me home ice cream, and purposely take time out of his day just to spend it with my sister and I. He was the one who went out of his way to teach me sign language so that I could communicate better with my sister, who was born deaf. My mom had opted out of cochlear implants because Leah was born “as she was meant to be.” She wouldn’t even consider a surgery that would give her daughter the ability to hear. Countless arguments centered around just that – dad wanted her to have the surgery, but he couldn’t outwill my mother. Personally, I think Leah should have been consulted in all this, as it was her body. When Leah was six, she asked if there was any way for her to be able to hear. Dad slept on the couch for the next week because my mother said he’d “put the idea in her head.”
When I turned thirteen, dad had had enough. He packed up in the night, was gone in the morning, and I haven’t seen him since. He left a note telling me how much he loved my sister and I, and that his leaving had nothing to do with us. I brought the note to my mother, tears streaming down my face, and asked her why she made him leave. For the first time in my life, she struck me across the face. I walked away, still crying, and hid in my room for the next two days, refusing to come out even for food. I never told anyone she’d hit me, but to know she had that power within her lingered in the back of my head for years. I’d lost one of the most important people in my life, and didn’t know if I’d ever see him again, and my mother’s response was violence. I lost my trust in both parents on the same day.
I’d never gotten along well with my mother. I was never good enough in her eyes. Leah was the perfect child, and my mother held Leah on a pedestal while I slowly drowned in my emotions. I didn’t resent Leah for this – it wasn’t her fault our mother seemingly hated me. Leah was my one and only reason to stay in the house, instead of just running away to Theo’s and throwing up the middle finger to my mother. I would go to the ends of the earth to make sure Leah was safe and cared for, and that she’d never know the coldness I received from our mother.
Theo. Theo kept me sane in everything. They had their struggles, and I knew I’d have to help them sometimes, but they were there for me in a way that no one else was. They’d never walk out because of my mother, and they would absolutely never lay a hand on me. They even taught themself some basic sign language so that they could communicate with my sister on the occasion they came to my house. They didn’t come over often – my mom didn’t like them. She’d turned her nose up the first day I’d brought them to my house when I was eleven, knowing that they’d been adopted by a single woman. I never understood it—as a Christian, aren’t you supposed to want to help those in need, not exile them? My mom’s “Christianity” was incredibly warped, only adhered to her strict mindset of what a family should look like. A single mother didn’t fit this description, even though she eventually became one as well.
I defied her with this friendship. I’d defy her even more in the years to come.
Chapter One.
Theo and I walked into the small frozen yogurt shop after a particularly long day at school. Things had calmed down a bit since Theo had come out and started transitioning. It had been a few months, and the initial heckling had died down. Most people at school didn’t fuck with us anymore, but there was always that one group that would try and make us miserable if they had the chance. Theo had moved out of the class that they shared with that group, but this morning the tormentors waited in the hallway outside our first class of the day. They must’ve been bored, because they perked up at the chance to approach Theo and me. Pushing us apart, they started shoving Theo back into the lockers while corralling me away. They tried to touch me, and Theo reacted by ducking under arms to plow into the guy that had his hands aimed for my breasts. He fell, and we ran into the classroom before things had a chance to get seriously out of hand. The others didn’t dare follow us—it was scienc eclass, and the teacher had a no-nonsense policy that would get them suspended quickly. However, the rest of the day we were on edge waiting for another assault.
Theo had gotten much better at containing the angry responses that rose up in them. I was proud of them, but there was still a limit, and I always got anxious when I could see them teetering on the edge. We tried to avoid confrontation as much as possible instead of setting them up to fall into bad situations all day. It was difficult either way—homophobia and transphobia ran rampant through the school—we were outsiders, sitting as far away from the general population in the cafeteria as we could. Jeremy would join us at times, but he was the only one.
We walked in the shop to get away for a minute, being transported to a colorful world of sweets and fun. It had become somewhat of a ritual. On bad days we’d get frozen yogurt topped with all kinds of candies. Theo always got chocolate with strawberry bubbles, and I would get whatever the special flavor of the week was with as many different kinds of chocolate candies as possible on top. We’d sit in the front of the store and watch all the people walking by. Today, we sat on stools at the counter in front of the window and gazed on as groups and families passed by.
“Al, look!” Theo pointed as a kid rode by on a unicycle. An unusual sight for the middle of the city, but not the strangest.
I laughed, “Imagine the tricks you could do on that.” I tapped them on the shoulder with the back of my hand.
They rolled their eyes, “Hah, I’d fall flat on my ass in no time. I can barely ride a bike.”
“You’d think with all the skateboarding you’d be able to!”
“For some reason I can’t balance well when I’m sitting, I’ve gotta be standing.”
I scraped the last of the cereal milk flavored yogurt out of my cup and put it in my mouth. The taste was sweet and slightly bitter at the same time, the warmth from my hands making it taste more like regular yogurt than frozen. I stuck my spoon in Theo’s cup to steal some of the rich chocolate that they still had brimming over the sides.
They snorted, “Why do you always get a small and then mooch off of mine?”
“You eat so damn slow, I can’t help it. Act like you’d finish it without my help anyway.” I chuckled.
They relented and placed the cup on the counter between us, but not before taking another spoonful for themself. We finished the cup together, and then ventured out into the street. Sticking out much less here, we walked holding hands and didn’t care who saw. Unlike school, most people walking had better things to do than pick on a queer couple unprompted.
“Wanna come over?” Theo asked as we made our way down the street.
“I can’t, I’ve gotta be home to watch my little sister when she gets back at four. Shit, what time is it?”
Theo pulled out their phone and checked it. “3:45.”
“Damn, I gotta hurry.”
We continued walking together, albeit at a quicker pace. My house was one street over from Theo’s, so we had the same route back regardless of which house we went to.
“Why don’t you come over to my house? My mom won’t be home until six. I’m sure Leah would love to see you.”
They flashed a half-smile. “Sure.”
We hurried down the street back to my house, making it home right as the bus was dropping my sister off. She ran up and hugged me when she got off the bus, and I unlocked the front door to let us all in.
“Liz!” She signed.
Leah didn’t know about Theo’s transition, or that we were dating. My mom couldn’t know, she’d never let Theo in the house again, so we’d decided together not to tell Leah. Expecting her to keep such a secret was too much to put on an eight-year-old, so we decided it would be better if she didn’t know at all.
Theo smiled and gave her a hug, gesturing towards her room for her to go and grab her Nintendo. She adored playing games with Theo. Theo hated to admit it, but they were absolutely awful at video games, meaning that Leah usually won. She never won when she played against me, and she always knew when I let her win. I grabbed a couple of bottles of water and flopped down on the couch, Leah nestled between me and Theo with a controller in her hands ready to go. They played for a while as I scrolled through social media on my phone.
After an hour, Leah had her fill and asked to watch television instead. We switched the TV back to cable for her and then retreated into my room. Being that I spent hardly any time here, my room was like a time capsule of my preteen years. Nothing had been touched since I was thirteen. My walls were pink, there were boy band posters covering half of them, and there were even horse figurines lining a shelf next to my closet. Though If I’m being honest, I still liked those.
I sat on my bed and pulled Theo down to my level, kissing them on the forehead. They sat down with me and kissed me on the lips until they were leaning over me and my hands were wrapped around the back of their neck, pulling them closer. They were so soft, always so tender. I focused all my attention on the kiss, so much so that I didn’t hear the small squeak of my door opening. Theo pulled away suddenly, jarring me and forcing me to look in the direction of their gaze.
Leah had opened the door. She stood there with her mouth open, her face frozen in wonder and confusion. She’d known Theo since we’d become friends, I bet she had never imagined finding us kissing when she opened my door.
Theo and I looked at each other in horror. The secret was out, how were we going to get her to keep quiet? We should’ve been more careful. We’d gotten too comfortable.
I signed for Leah to come sit between us on the bed. My face got hot as she sat and tears brimmed in my eyes. My mom could never, ever find out – Leah knowing was so dangerous. She looked up at me with wide eyes and signed, “Boyfriend?”
Theo must’ve seen the panic rising up in me, because they took over. They gently rested one hand on her shoulder to get her attention and then explained. “We love each other. I’m not a boy, but I’m still her partner. I’m like a boyfriend, just minus the boy part.”
It was the simplest explanation, and she understood instantly. She looked back at me with a grin showing her missing teeth and signed, “Liz is better than any boyfriend. I like her.”
A tear forced its way out and rolled down my cheek. It was so simple to her, she was so accepting, she didn’t even miss a beat. She reached up and wiped away the tear, “Why are you sad?”
“Mom can’t find out. She’d be angry.”
“She’d be mad that Liz isn’t a boy?”
“Yes.”
“That’s silly. Dad was a boy and that didn’t work. Maybe it’s better with girls?”
She got me with that one, a laugh forced its way out of my chest. It was hollow, but still a laugh nonetheless.
“You can’t tell mom, okay?”
She crossed her heart. “Promise.”
I wrapped her in a hug, and Theo leaned in, asking, “Since she knows, can I tell her?”
I nodded, turning Leah to face Theo again as they signed away.
“I’m not a boy, but I’m not a girl either. I’m neither. My name is Theo.”
“Is that why you cut your hair?” Leah had always been drawn to Theo’s previously long hair. She’d cried when they cut it.
“Yes, I like it better this way.”
She looked back at me, “Should I not tell mom that either?”
“No, I don’t think she’d let them come over anymore.”
A somber expression overtook Leah’s face, “I don’t want that, I like when Theo comes over.”
A grin cracked across Theo’s face at her use of their name. I felt so bad having to hide them from my mom when the recognition made them so happy. At least they understood why we had to hide, they’d never questioned it.
Leah turned back to Theo and wrapped her arms around their waist in a quick hug before signing, “I’ll call you Theo when mom’s not around, okay?”
They smiled and nodded at her, ruffling her hair. She stood up from the bed and then looked back at the two of us, “Will you come watch TV with me, or do you want to kiss more?”
We all broke into laughter. A loud cackling from each of us. Theo was the first to get up and drag me by the arm to the couch where Leah sat between us and happily munched on some sugary cereal she’d gotten from the cupboard.
After about half an hour, a key turned in the lock and my mom walked through the door. She looked at us and immediately took the cereal out of Leah’s hands.
“You’ll spoil your dinner.”
She glanced at Theo with a scowl. She’d been even less fond of them since their transition, though we acted like it didn’t happen around her. I suspect that she still knew, but allowed them to exist so long as it wasn’t mentioned.
“You should let your hair grow out, dear. It looks boyish.”
Theo had recently gotten a trim on their hair, forming it back into a fauxhawk. The comment was a dig, and I could see the snark that Theo was holding back.
“Mom.” I shot a glare at her, a disapproving tone backing my voice.
She raised her hands in defense but didn’t apologize and took the cereal box to the kitchen. Theo got up from the couch.
“I should go.”
I got up too. “I’ll come.”
“No, you won’t,” my mom called from the kitchen, “I’ve got plans after dinner, you need to be here to watch Leah.”
“Fuck.” I muttered.
“Excuse me?”
I sighed, “Nothing.”
I gave Theo a hug since I couldn’t kiss them with my mom here, and walked them to the exit. They gave me a weak smile before they turned to walk down the street and I closed the door. Turning back to the living room, I plopped down on the couch next to Leah again and pulled out my phone.
“I’m sorry.” I texted Theo. I always felt like I had to apologize for my mother, she was insufferable towards them.
About twenty minutes later, mom called us into the dining room. Turning off the television, I ushered Leah in and we sat at the table, my mom at the head and Leah and I on either side. It was an acceptable dinner—chicken parmesan with spinach—but nothing compared to Theo’s brother’s cooking. I was spoiled from eating there so often. He could go on and be a chef without even finishing high school.
Mom turned to me as I picked at my dinner. “I’m not sure you should have Liz around here. That hair, the way she dresses, she might influence Leah. Are you sure she’s not a dyke?”
“That’s a hateful word, mom.” I didn’t even look up. I heard it enough at school.
“No matter what you call it, I don’t want Leah around it.”
“Leah loves her, mom. You really want to take that away because you think she might be gay?” Anger boiled beneath the surface. I did my best to keep it out of my voice.
“That’s exactly the problem—if she likes her so much she’ll be apt to copy her. Her sister hanging around with that kind of person might tell her it’s okay to be like that.”
I dropped my fork on the plate and let out an audible sigh. “Whatever, mom.” Getting up, I grabbed my phone from the couch and went to my room. I hated this. I couldn’t be around my mom for ten minutes without getting mad, we never got along. She’d never be able to get me to stop seeing Theo and she knew that, so she was trying to take control the only way she knew how—using Leah as a pawn.
I turned on my phone to see a text from Theo.
“Stop apologizing for things that aren’t your fault. I love you, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
I sighed and held the phone to my chest, staring up at my ceiling. They were too forgiving, I just wished I didn’t have to fight this battle with my mom every day. Today had been a close call, and now that Leah knew it was likely only a matter of time until my mom found out.
A rush of dread overtook my body, and I started shaking. If my mom acted like this now, with nothing but hunches, how would she react when everything was out in the open? What would she do to me, to Theo?
I pulled the blankets over me and curled up on my side, trying to shut out the thoughts. A while later, the familiar creak of my door sounded. I didn’t turn around, assuming it was my mom looking in before leaving for whatever night she had planned. When the door closed again and I heard small footsteps approach, I turned over to see Leah. I turned on my bedside table lamp, as the room had grown dark since I’d been laying there.
“Mom doesn’t like Theo, does she?” she signed.
She caught more from reading lips than my mother gave her credit for. She underestimated both of us.
I shook my head, the anxiety in my chest easing slightly as Leah crawled into bed with me.
“I promise I won’t tell. I don’t want her to make Theo go away.”
Hugging her close, I kissed her on the top of the head. I let her use my phone to put some cartoons on, and ran my hands through her long, dirty-blond hair, easing out the tangles as my fingers caught on them. Eventually, she dropped my phone and fell asleep in my arms.